Tonight is next year. I have a very good feeling that this will be the best, most healthiest year of my life! A bunch of years ago I lost a lot of weight because I was sick for a few weeks. This year I plan on having a much healthier weight loss strategy. It's gonna be good. But it's also going to be hard. I like to eat. Love it. Love food. Got to conquer my own worst enemy, myself. 

It's Christmas for 20 more minutes.

In the past few days I've eaten so much food. Layers and layers of food all down the old hatch. Stacking up in me belly. Dips, crackers, chips, meats,quiches, tortieres, stuffing, gravy, bloody caesars, beers, wines, breads, cakes, garlic stuffed olives. F--k, I ADORE garlic stuff olives. 
And...

I don't feel guilty.
Huh.

This could be a first. I'd usually have all kinds of regrets and guilt. Wouldn't be able to look at myself in a mirror, especially with my clothes off. Yet today - no worries. 

Why is that, exactly? I honesty have no clue. True, I feel that I'm going to go hard in January... maybe that's it. I'm eating too much now, and although I know that will be more body fat that I need to trim off, I'm not concerned. 

Possibly I am just fooling myself. Well whatever, since it's like never that I'm guilt free after over indulging, I'm a gonna take it.

Merry Christmas y'all.

The plan has always been simple:
Step 1: get in shape
Step 2: find a mate

Done! Or.. wait. Is that just two little steps? Or is that two immensely emotionally loaded booby-trapped steps, each the size of a Himalayan mountain?

Fact: I want to meet women for dating and companionship
Fact: My standards are very high

I know being overweight and unhealthy makes it impossible to attract the type of girl I am interested in. Not only are they not interested in being with someone who doesn't take care of their body, I lack the confidence to act, due to my weight. The classical double whammy.

Easy solution, right? I just focus myself and dedicate 6 to 12 months on getting into amazing, dare I say, Beachbody shape? Become all fit and muscular, shave my head, get inked... and "oh hello ladies!"

WRONG! 

See what happens next, I cant seem to control. I'm hoping writing it out will clear my thoughts and see if it is really an accurate diagnosis.

Fear of intimacy.
Fear of inadequacy.
Fear of loss of freedom.
Fear of loss of independence.

Is it? I'm asking myself, is that it? Can these fears stop me from bettering myself, subconsciously? 

"Oh hey there Andre, it's me, your friend. You trust me, right? Yeah, I trust you too. It's only the two of us against the world, bro. Listen buddy, I will help you out. You don't need to go to the gym tonight, you did enough exercise the other night. Oh man, am I ever hungry! Help a brother out and pop up some of that popcorn, add some butter, a little more, awe yummy now all that needs is some salt, yeeeah, more, shake it!"

And the thing is, in the end I never have a honest chat with myself about my own motives. I just keep doing the same patterns over and over. After I had the popcorn (or pizza or burger or chips and dill pickle dip), guilt takes over and the blockers go up and I refuse to think about it. 

It's like a  kid who is covering their ears and going "LA LA LA LA!" so they cant hear you talking. Why? Because they don't want to hear what they don't want to hear.

That happens in my head, like all the time.

I'm still trying to figure myself out. I'm so complicated. I am sort of baring my soul here. What? LA LA LA...

Let's just say the past week hasn't been very good. Last week I did play squash twice but that was all the exercise I got, and I wasn't eating well.

I know how bad I was because I played squash again today, and I was a mess. Panting after 10 minutes, clumsy, sweating like a fat man in India. It was not pretty. I only won one game too.... grrrrr.

Holiday temptations - I'm one for two. Avoided the office potluck and Christmas party, but hit the company Christmas party head on, with the morning after Keg buffet with the star: bacon. 

My problem is that I really love food. Yes I am sure there are a lot of other reasons why I eat too much, some of them being so dark I have a hard time going there. But truthfully, I love food. I eat the foods I like until I am full and then I eat more. And then more. 

I am successful when I avoid the foods I like, because I have no desire to overeat brown rice, carrots, chicken white meat, etc. Bleh. If only I was rich and could hire a personal nutrition chef to cook all my meals. Yes indeed, that is the key.

Im not going to make any promises to work out this week, because I am not feeling motivated enough, and failure breeds more failure. 

My mom was nice enough to find out details about a gym in my hometown when I am there in the Christmas/NY week:

Gotta love small towns! I am happy to have this option available when I am home. CIAO for now.

In just over 6 months I am going to punta cana for the first time. I booked it yesterday. Tonight I spent the last 2 hours looking at pictures and learning about the resort and area. Just over 6 months eh.... yep, very motivational.

Happy 12.12.12!

I'm thinking my problem is I don't have any defined short term goals. I wake up each day and sort of just hope for the best. I do good for 2-3 days, and then I fall off the wagon. Last night I fell off the wagon and was trampled by the horses and then the cart (I fell off forwards somehow?)

Short term goal: 5 complete days

A complete day is eating well from the time I wake up until I go to sleep, with 45+ minutes of exercise.

Eating well is having balanced snacks and meals throughout the day, without over indulging or partaking of fast food. 

5 complete days. After that I can have a day off. Cheating will be my prerogative at that time. 

Day 1 is done!

We had a potluck at work today, and I took a picture. True it would have been better to take the picture before it was picked over, but I dont freaking own a time machine:

Yuck. Looks gross. And I ate some.......... kidding, I ate none of it! Yeah, I decided to punish myself for the nuts stuff I did last night. I didn't join the potluck and I also avoided the Christmas party later in the afternoon because there was too much junk food there too.

I had to avoid the Bowling Effect. 

The Bowling Effect is derived from the sport of bowling. In bowling, each pin is assigned a value, and you score points as the values are knocked over. I am not a good bowler and I usually score 2-13 points each time I have a turn. Most games I can get 2-3 strikes and several spares. Anyone that's bowled before (yeah Andre, that's like everyone) has noticed that the turn immediately following a strike or spare, their next points are amplified. This is because for a strike the first 2 turns of the next time up are included with the score of the previous round, which essentially means the scores are counted double.

As applied to eating, the Bowling Effect warns of the danger of eating poorly two or more days in a row. Once in awhile and the body will let it pass, but two in a row will definitely add weight.

The Bowling Effect is my own unscientific theory. I'm not a doctor so don't get mad at me if I'm wrong. It helps me to consider things in other ways. 

Interestingly, I learned today that 5-pin bowling, the only bowling I have ever played, is only ever played in Canada. Go Canada!

This is tempting... (not gonna, but I wish):

Snack - 6:00 PM
1 hotdog
1 bag of potato chips

Dinner - 7:00 PM
1 Baconator
1 large order of fries
5 chicken nuggets w/ BBQ

Chat conversation with a friend - 8:00 PM
Friend-> You seem tired
Me-> I am tired
Friend-> Why is that?
Me-> Ate a bunch of fast food
Friend-> NOOOOO!
Friend-> Really?
Me-> Ya
Friend-> What do you think pushed you to eat that sh--?
Me-> I like it

Now that the challenge blog is over I will start writing on this regular blog. Confusing? Maybe!

I actually have one more post to do on the Challenge blog, a recap of my successes and failures, however I wont be measuring myself until tomorrow so it will have to wait another day. 

Anyway.... now what to talk about? Well, this blog will still be about fitness and my (often horrible) eating habits. 

Today I had Subway again. Same as yesterday. I regretted it after I put it into MFP because the sodium was so high. That said, I almost went to McDonald's instead. Yes yes yes, this is definitely a trend. Same thing happened last week... wanted a greasy burger and slid in the sub instead. It happened in the same way as last time, because my daughter asked me to get her some McDonald's. Id actually decided to do it when she changed her mind to Subway. 

OMG... sprouts on Subway! I LOVE ALFALFA!!! And since I cant stand iceberg lettuce anymore, it's perfect. It's actually been a thorn in my side that Subway doesn't have sprouts. Well I say screw them, I'll just bring the sandwich home and add my own dang sprouts. I sure showed them!

Guess what came today?

Yeah. Yum. Love this stuff.

In other news, my coach had a nice comment today that melted my previously hardened heart:

Awe! My coach is also my best friend, and much of my inspiration to keep going when I don't want to go. What she has done continues to amaze, impress and motivate me. This is her story: My Fitness Transformation